Messy Thoughts on Change

August 2nd, 2016

Plovdiv was the start of a change that was characterized by a sense of becoming more urgently myself. This change was unexpected and at first unwanted, but ultimately one of the most wonderful things to ever happen to me. I do not think this particular change had or has a definite end or beginning point, but it can be marked by the entrance of another person into my life in the town of Plovdiv, Bulgaria.

Yet personal change is a sticky subject. Not only is this individual change proving difficult for me to explain or analyze, but this adjustment in my life is so intimate airing it flippantly to the world be haphazard at best. Instead, or perhaps simultaneously, I have spent a lot of time thinking about change in as many ways as I can.

Change is constant and inevitable, and most people acknowledge this. The ever-growing and ever-dying cycle of our cells creating the new landscape that is you every second of the day, the fact that each word we say creates a vibration, and of course the way our heart and mind is deepened, broadened, and stretched with each piece of information or emotion our brain analyzes and categorizes, is almost incomprehensibly perpetual.

Yet most, if not all, of these changes go un-celebrated, and the smooth transition into a new version of oneself happens in tandem with our everyday concentration on life. So, how is it that we decide which changes are the most shouted about?

Of course, easy categorization, a human favorite, tops the list; promotions, birthdays, first “I love yous”. Each of these changes are not only singular, but a step that strives towards an end goal: human happiness and all the entities humans have attached onto that. Even a breakup, a change most people note and contemplate, has a sense of striving towards a goal: the goal of finding who, or who not, is a positive addition in your life.

As is the case with heaps of things however, acknowledgement is the easy part. We acknowledge there is an entire world of changes, beginnings, and subtle shifts beyond the ones we choose to proclaim to those around us, yet how do we take note of these? Categorize them? Determine their significance in the way we move through our everyday lives? What even is the point of all this rather abstract and unhelpful contemplation?

I believe that I can only answer these questions for myself, as perhaps the truth is that no, everyday changes are simply not relevant to the majority of a functioning society. For me however, recognizing not only the changes, but the oscillations occurring in and around me are integral to my understanding of the space I take up in this world, and the effect this space has both on myself and on those in my surrounding area. The happy interplay between the variety of shifts I am experiencing in my life currently is astounding and beautiful. I find myself constantly awed and constantly over-excited by every passing change. Each one feels so momentous I want to shout it from the mountaintops: “Here I am” I want to announce, “changing into a whole different human being right in front of you!!!”

By sitting back and simply witnessing what is happening in my own head from the perspective of a continuum, not something linear or singular, I can begin to piece together what is important to me, and what has been important to me in the past. Understanding oneself better, even if only in minuscule increments, is comforting, and I believe, integral to the sort of life I desire; a living filled with questions, contemplation, awareness, and when it is needed, a forgetting of all of these and experiencing being without inhibition.

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