In Love With What Lies Ahead

April 24th, 2017
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Taken from my journal written this morning after waking up hung over and driving home, and before falling straight back to sleep:

“I went to a Shady Glen party last night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how this wasn’t my place at all and I realized how desperate I am for that. Copper was my place, it had that feeling where parties fit like gloves, where there is this unconscious inherent warm magical comfort of belonging. I straight up just stopped on the dance floor last night when I realized that next year I’ll be at a party except I will be surrounded by my best friends – the smartest kids in this whole country. It is seriously incomprehensible how amazing that is and I have to wonder if maybe a part of me taking a gap year was self-sabotage because honestly I find it hard to believe even now that this is really going to happen to me, I’m really going to find that and have that and I fully deserve all of it.

I need Stanford desperately. I am so ready to go. Ready in such a mature sense though, not the ready of high school seniors just fucking itching and amped. I feel as though I am ready in a sense of someone who has slowly savored growing into themselves, growing towards a beautiful place inside myself that is calm and certain going into college. I am so excited.”

It has been over a year since I found I was excepted to Stanford. A freaking year! In this year I have obsessed and dreamed and pictured life there, but mostly I have waited and waited and waited. And waiting has been great, this year (because in approximately two weeks it will have been a year since my gap year started) has been unbelievably unexpectedly almost perfect but now, especially being home with no distractions, I am so ready to just go. Take the fuck off and finally revel in all that I want from college: the best friends I’ve ever had, more learning than I know what to do with, ridiculous growth, ridiculously fun times, and so much more. I still have 21 (21!) weeks to go though, and I better take advantage of it. I am about to be surrounded by brilliant people, and while this year has confused me more than I thought possible with what I want from life, I know I have to kill it at Stanford, and there is absolutely no use in not being as ready as I can be. Right now, at 1am at home in Alabama, I want to commit some goals to the great wide web-

  • Keep reading as much as possible (if you wanna know what)
  • Sew sew sew
  • Learn ukuele
  • Make a video! Or two!
  • Keep taking pictures
  • Compile this year’s poetry
  • Slackline a lot/generally spend time outside
  • Make it to South America
  • Don’t think about Stanford too much
  • Also though, learn a lot about classes, requirements, etc.
  • Podcasts forever
  • Cook (btw go vegetarian. its the fucking future and its so good for the environment.)

I am thinking maybe I should do some sort of update series on this last summer before this next era. I have enjoyed the structure required by napowrimo so immensely, and it has really kept me on track writing and reading poetry every day and I somehow want to continue that idea of casual updates on my pursuits. I think I am going to do that. It has just been decided. It shall be called “The Last Summer Update X”. I think.

Also, fun fact, I am about to be 70% of the way through with my gap year!!!!!! WTF!!?!

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