I saw someone today after not seeing them or really talking to them for a while and strangely, for the first time, there was a little bit of hesitancy in our conversation. Once I picked up on that with them, this whole thing fell into place. I realized that within basically every conversation I’ve had with my friends from high school who had already been through one or more years of a four year university (especially the friends I would classify as fairly smart or intellectual) is a hint of hesitancy, a small innate and barely noticeable sense of detachment. I think it stems from several different things all coming down to what I’ve experienced this year. 1) We’ve just straight up lived very different lives 2) I honestly believe there is a sense of superiority over me, as in my gap year wasn’t legitimate enough for them, as in I did not work hard enough or do something to make the world better enough for them and 3) They simply cannot understand my life (okay maybe I cannot understand their life either) or even more so understand that I actually liked it. That I actually liked it a whole lot more than hanging around their drama for all of high school.
Now as I have thought about this whole topic more, I have realized that there is no one in my life that I truly connect with anymore (except one kiddo somewhat, I fucking love ‘em). I do not fit in anywhere anymore. I wrenched myself so harshly (and happily) off that well-troden, straight-lined path of higher education but I am still smart. I am still more intellectual than mostly everyone I know (an amazing thing that has happened to me is that I have started to apologize for who I am less and less). I know how I feel about myself and I am so proud of so many things about myself and there are certain things that are just the way they are. But still, I know where I belong, I know who I am, but where are my people, where is the place? What do I do?
Perhaps I retreat parts of myself and my life back into myself because, as I have always known, I am the only thing I have got but oh oh oh I wish it was not so. I have hope that I will find my people at Stanford. People that can exist just as peacefully in dualities as myself. I am tired of feeling this way for pretty much all of my recent life. Colorado was the first time within a group of friends that I was truly happy, that I could l forget the way I did not fit into whichever space I found myself at the time, but still, it was always there. There is no where I have been yet that I could stay forever. There are not many people I have found yet that I want to know forever.
This worry about not finding my people is my biggest fear as my start as a freshman in college gets increasingly closer. There is nothing I can do about that though, I either will or I will not, but, honestly, I am pretty darn sure I will. I know that finding a balance between that life and a life of good (great) grades, and stellar extracurricular participation and generally improving myself as a person will be hard, really hard. This goes along with my fear that I will not try hard enough, will not spend enough time working as hard as I possibly can to get to a place where I have the opportunity to choose what I want to do with my life. It may not be the most popular sentiment to express, but since I was a very young child I have wanted power, a lot of power whether it be by public following or money or my ideas, but I want it, or at least I want to be at the level to be able to go down that path if I choose to once I am out of college and figuring out what I truly want to do with my life. Another fear is that I will do the opposite of all of this and go down the path of staying within expected societal narratives and working my ass of at school all the time, and then, one day, realized that all of this has been in vain and what makes me happy is hiking and messing around and doing random projects not giving a fuck if society thinks my life path is practical or normal.
All of these fears can, in big part, be boiled down to a tension I felt ever since the beginning of high school. That my life will go in one direction or the other and both of them make me so so so happy choosing will break my heart. Here is a nice little graph I made for myself:
ONE LIFE OTHER LIFE
zines changing the world
living my political beliefs learning shit
travel pretentious culture that i actually love
no set schedule money
tattoos dope clothes
dope people respect
crazy shit proud parents
outdoor lifestyle fr lots o education
This chart does not exactly make sense or is uniform but neither is my brain and this how my brain conceptualizes the two paths I feel like I am facing. Of course, I am only nineteen so in some ways I have so much time to figure it all out, to maybe, somehow, lead a life that can fit every one of those things into what I do. But still, this choice has been a weight on my mind for years now, and I suspect it may continue.
One thing that exists outside of this ridiculousness is poetry because it is magical and transcendent and one of the best things ever <3.
Also, yikes this whole thing is a bit much. One thing that spins this all in a more positive way is that I love the different circles I find myself in, the different lives I find myself living. I find certain parts of myself in a lot of people and a lot of places and maybe I should be very very thankful that I cannot find everything in one place or one person. The world would be pretty boring if it simply reflected me. But also, still, I am very much on my own own own for now so BYEE LAME PEEPS.