My wonderful happy magical gap year is ending in less than a month and I am so terrified. This year has been by far the best decision of my life. This year has been so much better then I could have ever conceptualized.
Quite simply, it saved my life.
The thought of who I would have been if I did not take this gap year is petrifying beyond words. The person I was 17 months ago was broken and sad and lonely and had no clue that the world is not supposed to feel like that.
Obviously I have a lot of processing to do. The sole identity of this blog/internet place thus far has been my gap year and I have to figure out what it is now, what is has meant for me this year. Most importantly, I want to write down what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed, etc. while everything is still current. I have a feeling this year is gonna be really freaking important for the rest of my life and I want to document the evolution of myself as best I can.
As is kinda my favorite habit I am gonna make this a series. Sorry about it whoops. This is post is an introduction/all-encompassing thing and also an excuse to share a poem I just came across that is beautiful and feels surprisingly relevant.
Sempteber 1, 1939 by W.H.Auden I sit in one of the dives On Fifty-second Street Uncertain and afraid As the clever hopes expire Of a low dishonest decade: Waves of anger and fear Circulate over the bright And darkened lands of the earth, Obsessing our private lives; The unmentionable odour of death Offends the September night. Accurate scholarship can Unearth the whole offence From Luther until now That has driven a culture mad, Find what occurred at Linz, What huge imago made A psychopathic god: I and the public know What all schoolchildren learn, Those to whom evil is done Do evil in return. Exiled Thucydides knew All that a speech can say About Democracy, And what dictators do, The elderly rubbish they talk To an apathetic grave; Analysed all in his book, The enlightenment driven away, The habit-forming pain, Mismanagement and grief: We must suffer them all again. Into this neutral air Where blind skyscrapers use Their full height to proclaim The strength of Collective Man, Each language pours its vain Competitive excuse: But who can live for long In an euphoric dream; Out of the mirror they stare, Imperialism’s face And the international wrong. Faces along the bar Cling to their average day: The lights must never go out, The music must always play, All the conventions conspire To make this fort assume The furniture of home; Lest we should see where we are, Lost in a haunted wood, Children afraid of the night Who have never been happy or good. The windiest militant trash Important Persons shout Is not so crude as our wish: What mad Nijinsky wrote About Diaghilev Is true of the normal heart; For the error bred in the bone Of each woman and each man Craves what it cannot have, Not universal love But to be loved alone. From the conservative dark Into the ethical life The dense commuters come, Repeating their morning vow; “I will be true to the wife, I’ll concentrate more on my work," And helpless governors wake To resume their compulsory game: Who can release them now, Who can reach the deaf, Who can speak for the dumb? All I have is a voice To undo the folded lie, The romantic lie in the brain Of the sensual man-in-the-street And the lie of Authority Whose buildings grope the sky: There is no such thing as the State And no one exists alone; Hunger allows no choice To the citizen or the police; We must love one another or die. Defenceless under the night Our world in stupor lies; Yet, dotted everywhere, Ironic points of light Flash out wherever the Just Exchange their messages: May I, composed like them Of Eros and of dust, Beleaguered by the same Negation and despair, Show an affirming flame.