Butterflies and No More Break

December 31st, 2017

I am back on a plane again! This time, I’m flying to the ski and snowboard team winter training camp at Tahoe and holy cow my stomach is filled with butterflies. There is nothing I am particularly anxious about, I just have no idea what to expect and that is always a bit nerve inducing. As I attempted to think through my feelings further I realized that having butterflies in my stomach is one of the best feelings in the world. It means I am doing something uncomfortable and new full force and it also means I am about to experience something I have never experienced anything like before. The butterflies are a pretty common thing for me. Despite how nonchalant I may make my gap year seem, the whole damn thing was completely new experiences which is often inherently a bit scary.

I absolutely do believe I have a predisposition for “adventure”, but over the course of my gap year I learned how to fully embrace the anxiety as a fulfilling element of my life. I have truly learned how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, and that (along with many other things) has changed my life. I never want to stop being uncomfortable, I never want to stop pushing myself, and I never want to feel complacent with the way my life is in any degree because I believe that loving your life and the people in it while at the same time always pushing for more or different are not mutually exclusive ways of living.

Since this is the beginning of another stage of life ish I’m gonna predictably make lists about my break and other stuff idk.


Most interesting things I learned about from podcasts:

Narcissism, varies theories for how the earth will end, the unreal tax cuts golf courses get in California, the National Security Council, how much humans really understand reality, and Dickenson.


Dope songs:

Yes Sir, I can Boogie by Baccara

Lovely Day by Bill Withers

The Root by Magna Carta

I Am Not A Robot by Marina and the Diamonds

Gimme! Gimme! Gimmie! By ABBA

Tired Of Being Alone by Al Green

La nuit N’En Finit Plus by Petula Clark


Books read:

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by

We Need New Names by NoViolet

Power Systems by Noam Chomsky

We Gon’ Be Alright by Jeff Chang (currently reading)



Seeing Ebc and getting stoked on snowboarding constantly.


Some things I want to work on in the new year:

Being present

More yoga

Writing and reading poetry often


Update: I am now in the Denver airport on a layover and holy shit it feels so good to be out west again. Despite my griping about Stanford ahhh things feel possible out here. The difference in the Atlanta and Denver airport is absolutely astounding. It also helps that so many people are here to fucking shred waaaahooooo.

Update #2: I am now outside of the Reno airport waiting for my ride to Truckee. I am so happy, the sun feels amazing and the sky is so big. There is a guy getting picked up by what I’m assuming is his dad and the dad just gave the longest hug. I really freaking love traveling wow. I have been thinking about what I said in above update and yes, it is so true- things feel possible in the west. There is so much space and so much openness and so much place to be anonymous. I exclude the coast (*cough* San Francisco) because it is super freaking rich and that means the opposite of open and accepting (lmao at all the fake ass rich white liberals in the world). Anyways…bye…sorry.


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